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I have fibromyalgia

So that's why I've been having all this pain, all the increase in my anxiety and the migraines and the digestive issues and the inability to concentrate and the aches and the pain and the no energy.

It's this.

And it can be somewhat controlled apparently but it can't be cured. I thought I was done with the pain.

Now, I will have to live with it for the rest of my life.

I don't know how, hor how well I can do that.

I'm single again.

For the first time in... close to 19 years.

D and I are splitting up, for good this time.

House will soon be for sale.

No more breeding dogs. Or showing.

I'm half relieved, one quarter serene and one quarter sad. The heartbreak happened a couple months ago.

I want a man who will love me and respect me, respect my emotions, my imperfections, will commit to me.

I wanted kids but could not have them, and now I want to find a guy that does not have any and is okay with not having any.

So, yeah.
They stole 13 of mine. Signal boost. HUGE number of people have had fics posted there without permission.

File a DMCA complaint,all.


Oh god Anxiety

One of my worst anxiety trigger is financial stress. Just thinking about money issues makes me break into cold sweats and hyperventilate.

I ran out of sick leave indemnity 2 weeks before my return to work date and it usually takes 5 weeks for the first paycheck to come in when we return. Working for the government has its perks and drawbacks... So this means I won't have any money to pay the bills and the mortgage for about 7 weeks. I have a bit aside but not enough to face that.

I'm terrified, stressed out and on a constant edge of panic.

D is being great but... it's still hard.

Dec. 23rd, 2014

I want to add angels wings to a photo of my Scarlett. Thing is, I'm a photographer, and I know how to use Photoshop to work pics. I don't know how to do graphics.


My heart is in pieces.

Being a dog breeder sucks, sometimes.

Yesterday was one of those times.

We went to the Emergency vet thingking Scarlett had pyometra. Pyo is an infection of the uterus that is an emergency, can be life-threatening if untreated. It happens in intact bitches. She didn't. Her belly was swollen because of a huge tumor, taking over her whole belly. No room left for her gut, or her bladder, which is why she  peed herself all the time. But her symptoms developed in 48 hours. Other than the peeing and maybe eating her breakfast  a tad slower, she was her usual bubbly, loving, bouncy, energetic self.

She had no clue she was sick and went to heaven in my arms, tail wagging.

THere was nothing to be done for her but let her go, before she became ill and in pain.

Goodbye Scarlett. Be my guardian angel during my surgery today

I miss her. It's so very quiet without her in the house. No yodling for breakfast. No barking on the way out..

Here she is, as a baby.

Scarlett. 5/28/2011 - 12/22/2014


Today is not a good day

The past couple actually have been pretty bad.

Lots of pain

The depression is in a low.

And then, a friend of mine calls to say she's pregnant with her 3rd. The one she didn't want but will do with.

I made my peace with not having kids.

This one... hit me hard and wrong.

She,s a good person, but she's not a good mom. She treats the kids like pets, not children. She's poor but that's not why.  She brings the kids here. Never any toys. Her house is dirty, full of mould, and she doesn't care, says it's not that bad. (this is maybe the thing that goes in hand with poor, can't live in a better house) I've never seen them read to the kids, or play with them, or letting them be kids, teaching them.

I can't say a word, can't judge, I'm not a mother.

I help when I can with food, toys.

But I can't help want to say if you dont want him/her, I'll take him/her. I can't help say no, not another child that will grow up barely loved to parents that dont really care

I'm just venting.

But this breaks my heart.
Surgery. Again.
Planned this time though.
Got the date and that makes it suck a little more.
December 22. Yup. 3 days before Christmas.
So, uh, Holiday plans? THat would be a no. Staying home is what it will be.
Happy hysterectomy to me.

So. Let's see... 3 Laparoscopies, 1 breast reduction, 1 colon resection, 1 emergency salpingectomy and 1 gall bladder resection.
 This one is number 8. In 9 years. So...

I'm not really scared but general anesthesia kinda freaks me out. It's like someone throws a switch and back, hours have passed and you hurt and feel sick and confused.

It's outpatient meaning I should go home the same day. In all my surgeries, it's happened exactly once. the rest of the time, I had to stay.

So wish me luck.

HawaiiFive-0 100th

Ok, not really spoilery.

Just. Wow



N'uff said.

Oh. my new fav ep. EVER

OMG 5 -0!!!

Just... OMG.

Not spoilery just... squee and squeak?

Just... Um... 5.04? Badass. Ow, my heart. I mean, Bromance, Ohana, BAMFery, hearbreak, more BAMFness and,,,, OMG, my heart. Danno...... I hurt for you.